Old Lies

WARNING: This one is pretty long. And it includes not so nice words.


DISCLAIMER: This blog does not paint a pretty picture for some people in my life. I apologize in advance if this offends anyone. That being said, this is a not-so-great time in my life through MY eyes.


NOTE: I blocked out a lot of time in my head according to my therapist I had several years ago, most likely for the best. But this is what I remember.






Most people don't know that the person I call my mom is actually my stepmom. So when I say something and use the phrase "my real mom", I tend to get funny looks. I have not talked to my real mom since I was 16. There has been one phone call where I called and went off on her and another time when I saw her at a court house since then, but there has not been an actual, meaningful conversation since. But to understand why I have chosen not to have her as a part of my life, I have to tell you things that happened between the ages of six/seven and sixteen.





Here goes....




I was living in Charleston, WV. My dad was a truck driver at the time and had fallen out of the back of his truck one day and had slipped disks in his lower spine. The doctors told him that he wouldn't be able to sit for really long periods of time anymore, so he decided to go back to school so he could change careers. He enrolled in what is now Mountain State University in Beckley, WV. His school was an hour away from where we lived and my mom's job was still in Charleston, so my parents decided to move somewhere that would be a good middle distance from both places. They chose Oak Hill, WV. (First grade.)


We moved and everything was great for a while... at least I thought it was. One day in the middle of winter after it had snowed quite a bit, my mom told my brother and me to get some trash bags and start putting my dad's clothes in it. We did what we were told. Once we had filled them up, she tied them up and threw them out on the front yard. I never did see my dad come and pick them up. (1) My mom told us that our dad had found a new woman that he wanted to live with and that he wouldn't be coming back home. (Second grade... I think?)


As I'm sure you guessed, they had started getting a divorce. Since my mom didn't need to be close to dad's school anymore, we moved into a house that my grandparents own in South Charleston, WV. My mom started acting really weird and losing a lot of weight... really fast. (2) She would tell my brother and me that our dad wasn't paying her any child support, so we couldn't afford much. Money was so tight that there were times where we would eat cereal for breakfast, eat lunch at school, and have cereal for dinner again. We would have Taco Bell a lot too since it was really cheap. (But she was still able to go out and buy new lingerie and red color for her hair??) One day, my brother and I came home from school and found mom on the couch making out with a guy named Jim. I knew she would have to start dating again sometime (didn't think it would be that soon after her divorce) but that doesn't mean I had to like it - or like him. I don't think it lasted long because that was the only time I saw Jim. As far as my dad went, he had a baby with the woman he was living with and married her. I didn't see him very often, sometimes by choice... I couldn't stand the fact that he had a new family. (Fifth/Sixth grade.)


Not too long after that, my mom started talking about some guy she was talking to online named Jeff. She would tell me that he was promising her the world... that they were going to move in together and (3) we were going to have a huge house with a pool. Keep in mind, neither myself or my brother had met this guy yet. A few weeks later, we headed to Virginia to meet Jeff. For whatever reason, my mom thought it would be a good idea to stay down there with him, so we spent about a month in and out of different hotels. Somehow, we ended up in Lexington Park, MD in a two bedroom apartment above a laundromat. (One of the details that I blocked out is how we got all of our stuff to Maryland or what we did with it while we were staying in hotels.) Mom and Jeff got one of the bedrooms and I got the other one. We ended up taking furniture and making "walls" with it to make a "bedroom" for my brother in the dining room area. One day, (4) Jeff had been on the phone with his ex wife and got mad because she wouldn't let him talk to his son and he decided to take it out on my mom. He was screaming at her and she was screaming back. My brother came into my room and hid behind my bed. Jeff started chasing my mom through the apartment and she ran into the bathroom which was across the hall from my room and locked the door. He was pounding on the door and screaming that if she didn't open the door, he was going to bust it down. I had finally had enough. I told my brother to stay where he was and I went into the hallway. I screamed at Jeff. I told him that he was not allowed to talk to my mother like that and he was not allowed to chase her through the house and to leave her the fuck alone - the first time I had ever cussed. He yelled back, telling me I was just a little kid and didn't need to be involved in their argument. So I got his keys and threw them at him and told him to get the fuck out. Eventually he left and cooled down, but I decided at that point, that I did not want to have Jeff around. (5) We stayed in Maryland for 6 weeks because the job that Jeff was supposed to get on an air force base didn't come through. (Sixth grade.)


When we left Maryland we moved back to South Charleston, WV into another two bedroom apartment, this time it was the bottom half of a duplex with the entrance through an alley. Again, Mom and Jeff got one bedroom, I got the other, and again we made a room for my brother out of furniture in the dining room area. One day, Jeff and I were at the post office and we ran into a woman that Jeff knew. They exchanged numbers and Jeff told her that he would call her soon. When we got back to the apartment, my mom and Jeff went into their room and talked for a long time. They finally came out, sat my brother and I down on the couch and told us that the woman at the post office was the mother of his daughter that (6) he didn't know he had. Soon after, Natalie started coming to visit. And not too much longer, we were told that she wanted to move in with us. But having five people in a two bedroom apartment wasn't going to work, so we moved again. Up to this point, I was visiting my dad, but it wasn't very often. Not because we didn't want to, but because (7) he kept cancelling. (Seventh grade.)


This time, we moved to Kanawha City, WV into a 3 bedroom house that we rented. Mom and Jeff got their own room, my brother got his own room, and Natalie and I shared a room. Both of our beds, her furniture and clothes, and my nightstand was in the bedroom while the rest of my furniture was in a walk in closet in the hallway. Not too much happened here, at least that I can remember. We stayed here until the end of mine and Natalie's eighth grade year until (8) mom and Jeff decided that we needed a bigger house. Again, neither my brother or I saw our dad much because of cancellations. (End of 8th grade.)


The next move was back into Charleston, WV. The house was bigger though... we all had our own rooms. My brother even got the biggest room to "make up" for not having a room for a while. Several things happened while I lived here, and the majority of them were major things that changed a lot of things in my life. This is where I get into some really private things but I feel I need to get them out.
One thing that happened came via phone. My dad called one day and told me that him and my stepmom had separated and he was getting another place. He gave me his new address and phone number.

Pivotal moment number two was when I got the mail one day and the (9) sanitation / water bill had my name on it. I asked why and I was told that when you move and turn on utilities in your new house, the utility company needs to know the name of everyone that lives in the house and so it had to be a mix up at the water company.


The last pivotal moment was when I lost my virginity. I was 14 years old. Now, to understand how this was possible at such a young age, you have to understand my home environment. I was allowed to run and do what I wanted (for the most part) and I was allowed to hang out with who I wanted... this included much older guys in my high school. My mother was too involved with Jeff and marrying him was her top priority so taking care of her kids was really put on the back burner. It got to the point where I was taking care of my stepsister and brother most of the time... making sure they had something to eat, had medicine if needed, and that all the laundry was done. They would even come to me and ask me if they could go to the park to shoot hoops sometimes. So when I would leave the house, I didn't really have any restrictions.


I was able to keep it a secret for a few months. But my mom and Jeff eventually found out. They woke me up in the middle of the night and had me come down to the den to talk to them. My mom sat in a chair next to me and Jeff sat behind his desk. He started with (10) "I got a phone call from someone at the health department today saying that someone came in and got tested and it turned out to be positive for syphilis. This person named you (talking to me) as a sexual partner. So I need you to tell me what's been going on." Of course, I denied everything... told him that I didn't know what he was talking about. So when that didn't work, he pulled up pictures on his computer of what syphilis can do to you when it goes untreated. Once I saw those, I got really scared and of course, I fessed up. That week, my mom made me an appointment with our family doctor for my first female exam. When the exam was over, the doctor told my mother that from the exam, he could see that (11) my cervix looked a bit swollen and that I had sex with at least 7 different guys. I flipped out because it wasn't true... I had been with ONE guy. She decided that I needed to go spend the weekend with my dad so he could "beat some sense" into me and after I get back, I would be locked in my room for months.


I went to my dad's that weekend as planned and told him what I had done. But instead of getting a "beating" like I had expected, my dad just held me and comforted me. Apparently my mom found my diary while I was gone (my grandma had gotten me one every year for my birthday for as long as I could remember and I wrote in it faithfully, so of course everything was in there). She popped the lock and read it. She called every 5 - 10 minutes while I was at my dad's house that weekend trying to tell him something else I had done. Eventually he told her he didn't want to know anymore and told her to stop calling. I decided at that point that I wanted to move in with my dad. So I asked him and he told me I could. The time finally came to where I was supposed to go back home so we went to the Paint Creek exit off of I-64 (that was our usual meeting spot since it was about halfway) and waited for my mom and Jeff to get there. When they finally showed up, (12) my dad and stepmom left me in the car while they went and sat in the car with my mom and Jeff to make arrangements. Once they were done, they asked me to come in the car with the four of them and my mom asked me if I wanted to move in with my dad. I told her yes. I was completely ready to go back with mom and Jeff to pack my things and take my books back to school and (13) say goodbye to my friends, but Jeff said that if I wanted to move out, I wasn't welcome back at all. He also said they would go back and pack my things up and my dad was more than welcome to come and get it, but I was not permitted back at the house. I wasn't going to change my mind, so I went back home with my dad and stepmom. A few days later, my mom called my dad and told him that my things were ready to pick up, so he drove the hour there to get it. When he got there, everything of mine - everything of mine that they wanted me to take - was sitting on the front porch. (I don't remember if my mom was actually at the house or not.) There were several things that I didn't get back. I don't remember everything I didn't get back (I used to have a list at one point) but there are two things that I was very upset about not having. I had a ruby and diamond ring that my dad and stepmom had gotten me that I never got and I had a crayon shaped piggy bank that I kept $2 bills, half dollar coins and dollar coins in. My grandma would give me these old bills and coins when I was little if I was good while at church. But I never got the piggy bank. (Middle of ninth grade.)


This move took me to Beckley, WV - to my dad's house. It was kind of awkward at first. I hadn't seen my dad very much in the last several years, so it was almost like moving in with a stranger. I didn't know many of his likes and dislikes. I didn't know his habits. I didn't know his favorite foods. And oddly enough, he didn't know those things about me. I had changed a lot since we had last lived together, obviously, but so had he. He had quit drinking and therefore had changed completely. So we had to get to know each other all over again - which if you know my dad, you will understand how difficult this was at times. I hadn't gotten most of my clothes from my mom's house and what I DID get didn't fit all that well, so my stepmom took me shopping almost every day for the first two weeks and once a week for the two weeks after that. She also took me to the eye doctor so I could get contact lenses. And she also taught me how to do my own makeup and how to make clothes look good together and how to do my hair.


A few weeks later, my dad and stepmom decided to get back together and then my dad accepted a job offer in Springfield, OH. So my dad and I moved our stuff into my stepmom's house until the move to Ohio. I didn't talk to my mom at all while I lived in either of those two places - if I did, I don't remember it. (Still the middle of ninth grade.)


Finally, we moved to Springfield, OH. My mom would call every now and then and I would talk to her. She would send cards with letters in them. The letters mostly consisted with how she didn't understand why I didn't want to talk to her more often and why I wouldn't come and visit her. Eventually, my brother decided that he wanted to move in with us too and he did. After, my mom would come to visit us every now and then. Two things came of these visits. One, I would ask her all the time why she treated me like she did and every time the answer I got was "You're not old enough to understand." I was old enough to use as a sounding board throughout her divorce, but I wasn't old enough to understand why she treated me like crap. That didn't sit very well at all. The second thing was how controlling Jeff was. Every time she would spend time with me and my brother, he would call her constantly and ask how long she was going to be and how the visit was going. So I took one of those times and finally came clean that Jeff was part of the reason that I wouldn't visit her. After this visit, I got a card with a letter in it which I call her "goodbye letter". It said that if I couldn't accept Jeff as her husband and that he was a part of her life, then that meant that I didn't accept her either. It went on to say that she would not contact me anymore and if/when I decided to accept Jeff, to let her know and we could pick up where we left off.


I haven't contacted her since.







Now, if you've noticed, I have underlined certain parts of this blog and numbered them from 1 - 13. There are things that I found out after the fact that I would like to elaborate on.



1. This was the first of many lies. My dad hadn't found a new woman. My mom thought that since my dad was spending time with his friends after class or whatever, that he was secretly cheating on her. Yes, when she kicked him out, he moved in with the woman that is now my stepmom. But they were in no way a couple at the time.

2. This was a lie. My dad was giving my mom money well before it was ordered by a court. In fact, he was giving her almost 3/4 of his check. I've seen the bank statements where the payments came out of his account.

3. This was a lie. We never had a house with a pool. This was merely Jeff's way of hooking my mom and getting me and my brother to like him.

4. I'm not sure if this is true or not. Jeff had been on the phone, but I've never been able to verify who he was talking to or the content of the conversation that set him off.

5. During the six weeks we were in Maryland, no one back in WV knew where we were. My grandparents didn't know. My dad and stepmom didn't know. The schools didn't know. In fact, the schools had contacted child protection services to let them know my brother and I hadn't been at school and we hadn't been withdrawn from the school either. Child protective services had reached out to my dad looking for us, but he was unable to help them.

6. This was a lie. According to other people, Jeff knew Natalie's mother was pregnant when he left.

7. This was a lie for the most part. When my half brother was born, he had a rare protein allergy. He couldn't have any dairy, beef, pork... everything he ate had to be soy. He was also born mostly deaf. So he was sick... a lot. They were constantly going to hospitals and seeing new doctors trying to figure out what was wrong with him and yes, some of these appointments fell on visitation times. Sometimes they had to make emergency trips to specialty hospitals that were hours away. And there was once when my brother was getting over chicken pox and our visitation was cancelled so if the virus was still able to be transmitted, it wouldn't go to our half brother - especially with his already compromised immune system. But my mother would tell us that our half brother wasn't really sick and that our dad was just too busy with his new family to care about us.

8. This was a lie. I found out later that they hadn't paid their rent and the landlord was constantly calling and coming around looking for money.

9. The reason for this was a lie. I didn't know it until years later when I went to get my first apartment and had issues getting utilities in my name. According to them, I had several hundred dollars that were owed to the water/sanitation company in WV and to the electric company in WV as well. I had to make a trip to WV to each of these companies and give them copies of my birth certificate and social security card to prove to them that I was underage at the time and there was no way I could have had utilities in my name. The electric company told me they would take care of it. The water company told me the same, but they went a step further. They asked who I was living with at the time, so I told them. They found my mom and Jeff's names in their current customer list and told me they were going to tack on the overdue charges onto their next month's bill. (This is also related to the time I saw my mother in court after her goodbye letter. We were there to get custody of my brother given back to her and to get child support switched back not very long after I had to sort out things with the utility companies. I was in a room reading a Reader's Digest magazine and in there happened to be an article about identity theft. I ripped it out and handed it to my mother while she was walking down the hallway. She asked what it was, looked at it and yelled that she didn't steal my identity. Her lawyer told her to be quiet and to not say another word. As she started walking back down the hall, I asked if she had gotten her water bill recently and went back in the room before she had a chance to respond.)

10. All of this was a lie. Jeff never got a phone call from the health department. I didn't have an STD. From what I heard, they found out from someone at school and this was the story they came up with to get me to tell them. In my mother's visits after I moved to Ohio, I would ask her time and time again why she lied to me and then never told me the truth after she got the information she wanted. And each time her answer was "you're too young to understand."

11. There are two issues with this. One, she took me to a "general practitioner" and not to an OBGYN like I should have gone to. Number two, yes my cervix was most likely swollen... I had just ended my period. But there is no way that a doctor can tell how many people you've had sex with. I have a feeling he told her that my cervix was swollen and that she's the one that added the "seven partners" bit.

12. While all four of them were sitting in the car, my mother handed copies of my diary to my dad. She had taken my diary and photocopied the whole thing. From what I understand, she gave copies to several of my friends' parents and people that she knew. My dad tore his copy up.

13. For a long time, a lot of my friends didn't even know I had left. They were told I was really sick.






I can't seem to forgive my mother for the things that she's done to me. I have a LOT of hatred towards her and even more for her husband. From experience, they are both entirely too manipulative to have in my life and quite frankly, I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to decipher what she tells me and figure out if it's a lie or not. So I have found it much easier to not have any contact with her at all. Since her "goodbye letter", she has not tried to reach out to me and I have not tried to contact her. But now, I not only have myself to think about when it comes to her... I have the boys to think about. I don't think they need to have her influence in their lives.


And now to my stepmom... we may not get along all the time and lord knows we have our differences, but she was there for me when I needed a mother. She was there when I needed a shoulder to cry on when I was upset after reading a letter or after a phone call. She took the brunt of my hatred towards my real mother when I would act out - which for a long time, was pretty frequent. Her and my dad gave me stability in a time when stability didn't seem like an option. They took care of me, they clothed me, they made sure I had everything that I needed and more. And yes, they disciplined me. I definitely didn't like it and I bucked them at every turn, but like they always told me - I needed to be able to be a kid again. I didn't need to be an adult anymore. I've also tried to take that same approach with the boys. It shouldn't matter if I gave birth to them or not... I'll take care of them anyway.


So when people ask why I call my stepmom "mom", I respond with "because even though she's not my biological mother, that's what she's been to me."