Irresponsible

Ok… another Facebook status got me going. (I’m thinking I should minimize my usage of that social networking site…) Anyway, this woman isn’t someone I would have called a “friend”… more of an acquaintance. We went to high school together and her son wrestled with Thomas at one point, so when I got her request, I didn’t think anything of it when I accepted.

Fast forward 2(ish) years and I’ve seen her divorce posted on there, getting together with someone else, back with the ex-husband, and together again with the other guy. A couple months ago, she ended up pregnant and the “other guy” is the father. Two days ago, I saw a status talking about how her doctor’s appointment didn’t go so well. Of course, being the nosey person I am, I looked at the comments. In those comments, she talked about how the baby’s stomach was measuring smaller than it should be because she hasn’t been hungry, the doctor wants her to stop smoking, and they want her to be off work for two weeks. Various other people were commenting telling her how she needs to eat regardless of if she’s hungry or not and how she definitely needs to stop smoking. And instead of having a reaction of “yea, I need to eat more so I can take care of my baby”, it was “I know, but I’m not hungry.”

(Before I go into my rant, please understand that I know I was not perfect with my pregnancy. I’m not great at remembering things, so I didn’t take my prenatal vitamin every single day. I ate hot dogs every once in a while. I carried things heavier than I should have and I drove the bucket of the tractor through the garage at 7 months along.)

Queue the fumes.

First off, lady, you’re PREGNANT. There is another life INSIDE of you. So, unlike me, your doctor is telling you that you have endangered your baby… who isn’t even born yet! And your response is “but I wasn’t hungry”?!?!?! That would be the same thing as you telling your other two kids that just because you’re not hungry, they’re not going to get their next meal either. Starving a child is ABUSE. I’m not talking about if they are acting up and go to bed early without finishing their dinner… If this baby’s stomach is smaller than it needs to be, then you’ve obviously been doing this for a while. It’s PROLONGED ABUSE. So, in that sense, maybe you shouldn’t be allowed to keep this baby. And honestly, if that’s how you are treating that baby before it’s born, then I have to seriously question how well you take care of your other boys.

Secondly, I understand smoking is an addiction. That being said, what the HELL are you THINKING?! Do you not realize how many chemicals are in cigarettes?! Are you not aware of the possible birth defects associated with smoking while pregnant?! Here… let me enlighten you.

• Babies born to mothers who smoked had roughly 20% to 30% higher odds of having shortened or missing arms and legs, cleft lips and cleft palates, and abnormally shaped heads or faces compared to babies born to nonsmoking mothers.
• Maternal smoking was associated with a 27% excess risk of gastrointestinal abnormalities, including problems with the throat, esophagus, colon, intestine, bile ducts, gall bladder, and liver.
• Infants born to smokers had 50% higher odds of being born with their intestines hanging outside the body and a 20% increased risk of being born with a blocked or closed anus.
• Smoking accounted for a 9% increased risk of heart defects and a 13% higher risk that baby boys would be born with undescended testes.

(http://www.webmd.com/baby/news/20110711/smoking-in-pregnancy-raises-birth-defect-risk)

Now… these things are associated with something that you are CHOOSING to do. Smoking isn’t a necessity… it’s not oxygen, food, or water… it’s an OPTION. So by choosing not to quit – or even ATTEMPT to quit – you are choosing a much greater risk of your baby being born with some kind of abnormality. You’re CHOOSING to potentially need corrective surgery for this baby, if not immediately when born, then sometime in his/her life. It’s not like a surgery to put its intestines back inside is going to be an elective one. So…. You’re OK with this?!

Third. If your doctor is telling you that you need to take 2 weeks off of work – that you do physical labor at – then damnit, there’s a very specific reason and you need to do it. I totally understand not being able to afford being off work. But, there are times when you have to prioritize. Even if you’re not super concerned about the welfare of the baby (reference the two points above if there’s any question to that…) continuing to work when your doctor says not to is potentially putting your life at risk also. It’s not like they can fire you if you have doctor’s orders to be off of work. At that point, your job is protected under FMLA and it is actually ILLEGAL for them to fire you.

So, by this ONE status, I have determined that you, ma’am, are a complete piece of shit.

There’s a saying… “You are the company that you keep.” And judging from what I got from your ONE status, I can whole heartedly say that I do not want to be anywhere remotely associated with you.

Unfriended.

With as much knowledge we have available these days on consequences of choices you make when pregnant, you would think women would be better educated about these things and therefore make better choices. But I'm not completely convinced that it's just lack of knowledge. It's selfishness... plain and simple. These women choose themselves over their kids.

Women who refuse to take care of their children, regardless of if they're born yet or not, in my opinion, should not be allowed to keep their children and some kind of measures need to be taken so they can't have anymore children that will just be put in the system. I'm not talking about women who literally CAN'T take care of their kids... this is women who CHOOSE to abandon their children's needs. It's women who are only fulfill the biological meaning of the word "mother" and not any of the adjective or verb meanings. Please see below for definitions.

moth·er - /ˈmʌðər/ Show Spelled [muhth-er] 

noun

1. a female parent.

2. (often initial capital letter) one's female parent.

3. a mother-in-law, stepmother, or adoptive mother.

4. a term of address for a female parent or a woman having or regarded as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent.

5. a term of familiar address for an old or elderly woman.

adjective

11. being a mother: a mother bird. 

12. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a mother: mother love. 

13. derived from or as if from one's mother; native: his mother culture. 

14. bearing a relation like that of a mother, as in being the origin, source, or protector: the mother company and its affiliates; the mother computer and its network of terminals.

verb (used with object)

15. to be the mother of; give origin or rise to.

16. to acknowledge oneself the author of; assume as one's own.

17. to care for or protect like a mother; act maternally toward.

verb (used without object)

18. to perform the tasks or duties of a female parent; act maternally: a woman with a need to mother.

(http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/mother?s=t)

Bottom line, you cannot be the definition of "mother" while neglecting your children at the same time.

Responsibilities

Sorry guys... I needed to take a break from the Life Since Then saga to write this...

A status on Facebook (yes, Facebook prompted this blog) from an old friend of mine today got me going.

To the best of my knowledge, this is the back story: Her ex neglected to pay child support for her daughter for the majority of the time that she was under 18 years old. This woman is now getting back support and her daughter isn’t talking to her because this back support is taking a good chunk of her dad’s money and he’s older and sick. The daughter wants her to go to court and have the back support order dropped since she’s now over 18 and not living at home anymore.

I can see both sides. The daughter is concerned for her dad – like any daughter would be – and wants him to be able to afford the things that he wants and needs especially if he’s sick. He is, after all, still her dad. The mom wants the compensation that she deserves for being a single mother for all of these years. She paid for it all… food, clothes, housing, school supplies, extracurricular activities, gas (for when she’s had to be driven somewhere), medical bills… the list goes on and on.

Like any other topic that I write about, I have strong feelings on this one. And, don’t get any kind of ideas that this is a “bashing men” session because there are women out there that neglect their responsibilities too (and that’s becoming more and more frequent).

#1 – Getting Pregnant - Women don’t have the ability to climb on top of themselves and get pregnant. Period. (We’re excluding women who go and get in vitro so they can be pregnant – this was also not the case in the above story.) Reproductive sex takes a man and a woman. DUH. But, it’s incredible how many men seem to forget this tiny bit of information.

#2 – Donation of Genetic Material – By donating genetic materials to the creation of a baby, you have officially signed yourself up for a crazy long list of responsibilities. You are now responsible for supporting this baby throughout their life physically, emotionally, AND financially. Notice how “and” is in all capital letters? Yea, that’s because you cannot substitute that word for “or”. You are responsible for ALL of those… you can’t pick and choose according to what is convenient for you at the time.

#3 – Needs – Kids need (not including their wants) a LOT of things. Everything they need ties together in some way to be in at least two of the three above mentioned categories. Examples are listed below.

Child’s Need	Physically, Emotionally, Financially?
Roof over their head	Physically: Need to be able to sleep out of the elements. Emotionally: A kid sleeping under a bridge is nearly guaranteed to be depressed. Financially: Any house/apartment/condo/trailer/etc. costs money
Clothing	Physically: Does this need explained? Making your child go naked all the time is abuse. Clothes need to be clean to make sure germs that are picked up on a daily basis are gone. Emotionally: A kid that has dirty, torn clothes all the time feels less self-worth than other kids that are clean. (Note: I am not saying that kids need the most expensive, up-to-date fashions. I’m talking about basic clothing NEEDS… no matter how much they want the other.) Financially: Clothing, shoes, and the detergent needed to clean them cost money.
Food	Physically: Um, duh? They need GOOD food too… not just junk. Science has proven that kids (same as adults) function better with healthy food. Emotionally: Kids who are constantly hungry aren’t able to focus on anything else (think about when you’re hungry…). Financially: Food costs money.
Doctor visits/ medicines	Physically: Again… duh? Kids constantly need to go to the doctor whether it be for an injury or an illness. (Most sports require an annual physical also.) Emotionally: Sometimes, kids need to see therapists to deal with various things. Same reasons an adult would need to go. Financially: Doctors and medicine costs money.
Safety	Physically: Do you want to be physically safe? Yea, I’m sure kids do too. I don’t know of any kid that seriously dreams of being kidnapped or murdered. Emotionally: This is a tricky one sometimes. Every now and then, tough decisions have to be made to make sure a child is emotionally safe. Whether this means keeping them from shady people or whatever, a child’s mental safety is incredibly important. Financially: This one doesn’t always take money. But, extra security measures (especially when they live in a not-so-great area) can cost money.

Granted, those are not all the things a child needs… those are just some basics. But the point I’m trying to make is that everything a child needs somehow has a physical, emotional, and financial aspect. If you take out the financial aspect, how are these needs going to be met?

#4 – Child support – I don’t care how many kids you have or how crappy your life has been or any of that. If it’s YOUR child, you should have to pay support regardless. Plain and simple, it’s expensive to have a child and raise it with just basics being met… not including anything extra. One income just isn’t enough anymore. If you can’t afford your support, then get another job! (I know I’ve covered this in another blog of mine, but there’s no way you can say “but there are no jobs out there”. I don’t care if you’re flipping burgers to pay your support… DO IT.)

#5 – Back child support – I put the following as part of my response on the status that prompted all this: “Let me put it this way... If you have an electric bill or whatever that you don't pay, that bill gets bigger and bigger and then that bill gets fines, fees, etc tacked on. Eventually it goes to collections. If it goes too long, it can go to court so then you have to add legal fees in there also. That bill is you're responsibility to pay and won't go away until you deal with it. My point is, if you deal with your responsibilities when you're faced with them, then they won't be such a burden later.” If you deal with child support when you’re supposed to pay it, you won’t owe it past the time when it’s supposed to end. But, if you choose to neglect supporting your child, don’t be upset when the person who DID wants you to pull your weight.

I know it’s just a fact of life… some parents are dead beats. I get it. And, on the flip side, some parents get support and blow it on other things while the kids still go without what they need. But… that’s on them. At least by paying your support, you’re SUPPORTING YOUR KIDS.