Confessions

Ok guys… this blog is a bit different. Normally, I get on here and I rant and I rave about things that other people do or various things that get me going. Not today. Today’s writing purpose is to get some of my emotions out. I have found at times, if I write things down, it helps me sort through things in my head. So, forgive me if this one is a bit jumbled.

 

 

 

There’s something that I need to realize… ok, let me correct that. Some THINGS that I need to come to realize and ACCEPT.

 

1. I am not now, nor will I ever be, perfect. I try a lot to be, even though it doesn’t seem like it at times. But I do try to be perfect. I try to be exactly what Brian needs, exactly what all three boys need, exactly what my employer needs. But, no matter how hard I try to be the perfect person for every situation, it just doesn’t end up that way. And then, when it smacks me in the face that I’m not perfect, I always end up doing this “self-evaluation” thing in my head where I try to figure out what went wrong. The worst part is when I come to the conclusion that how things turned out was completely and utterly out of my control. That’s normally when I get really upset with myself.

 

2. This whole “mom thing” is hard work. When I met Brian, I was unknowingly getting in way over my head. Of course people tried to tell me that, but I was the stubborn 20 year old that always has to figure things out the hard way. Don’t get me wrong, I love all three boys…but, there are definitely times where I doubt myself and nearly everything I’m doing. This ties in with #1 because I try my hardest to be the perfect mom. But, no matter how hard I try, I’m still going to screw it up at times.

 

3. My husband is not really an asshole. Like all couples, we have our disagreements. But, like anyone who knows me really well can tell you, I’m pretty good at holding grudges. (Yes, I know it’s basically letting someone/ something else control my life… I’ll get to that in a minute.) I have a difficult time letting things go after we’ve argued. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard to do. Maybe because we disagreed a lot more at that point in our relationship. Maybe I can’t let it go as easily now because we’ve grown together and the arguments that we do have are more disappointing than anything. Regardless of why I have a hard time letting things go, it’s still something that I need to get better at.

 

4. Burnt bridges won’t ever be able to be rebuilt to the exact thing they were before, and that’s assuming they can be rebuilt at all. (Here’s where the holding grudges comes in…) Back to the 20 year old who had to learn everything the hard way who also had a bad attitude a lot of the time. I was one of those people who didn’t want to put the time and/or effort to rebuild any bridges. Once that bridge was gone, it was gone. End of story. I’ve improved on this one, I think, but there’s still more to go on it. Now, I believe these bridges can be worked on but it has to come from BOTH sides. If it gets finished, great. If not, then it’s not meant to be. But, it’s entirely up to ME as to how much effort I want to put into it. And how much effort I put into it will be a reflection on how much I feel the other person is trying. If their effort is minimal, then mine will be too. It’s too much stress to try to worry about pleasing someone who just can’t be pleased.

 

5. Prioritizing sometimes means things get left out. I’m one of those people who has to do EVERYTHING and I flip out if it’s not done. Example: I like to get the house cleaned on the weekends. I normally start on laundry – everyone needs clean clothes. While doing laundry, I try to work on common areas. (By the way, this was SOOO much easier to do before Trevor’s arrival!) Bottom line, my bedroom/ clothes/ bathroom is ALWAYS last. And, truth be told, most of the time, it flat out doesn’t get done. There’s always a million things distracting me from what I need to do. There’s a baby that needs fed, baby needs a diaper change, dinner needs cooked, baby needs to take a nap, tell the kids 961,408,545,671 times to get their stuff done (clean their rooms, put away their clothes, make their beds, etc.). It normally ends up with something like this:

The washer timer for Timothy’s clothes just went off. Have to wait for Thomas’s clothes in the dryer to get done. Timothy – Make your bed. Feed baby. Wash bottles. Thomas – make sure your room is picked up. Dryer timer went off. Need to make baby food first – make baby food. Baby needs out of high chair. Put baby on the floor with toys. Switch laundry. Timothy – did you make your bed correctly? Go look at bed because he always shoves sheet at bottom of bed and pulls blankets over. Walk in bedroom and find dirty clothes shoved under futon and clothes all over closet floor. Look at bed. Yep, sheet is shoved at the bottom. Timothy – correct these things. Go to baby’s room and clean up. Take out trash bag in baby’s room. Washer timer goes off – have to wait on dryer. Baby wants attention. Thomas – did you get everything in your room picked up? Go look in room to make sure. Yep, there’s toys hidden in the cushion in his chair under a pillow and somehow, there’s candy wrappers to candy that he was never given in his trashcan. Thomas – fix these things. Baby wants more attention. Thomas – get your clothes from the dryer and put them away. Timothy – straighten up your bathroom. Put baby stuff from washer into dryer. Baby needs a nap. Change diaper. Baby doesn’t want to take a nap. Rock baby, walk with baby, sing to baby… forever. Put load of our clothes in washer. Cook dinner. Eat dinner. Boys – clean up after dinner (their one thing they’re responsible for daily, other than their rooms.) Baby is awake. Change diaper. Feed baby. Boys – stop dancing around the kitchen and get your stuff done. Baby wants attention. Boys - need to take your showers…. Fast forward to the next morning. CRAP. The stuff is still in the washer. Turn washer back on.

 

Keep in mind, we also normally make a trip into town during all that too. Bottom line… things just don’t get done all the time. It drives me nuts, but I need to be able to deal with that.

 

6. Kids are not going to listen nearly as much as I want them to. This one shouldn’t need too much of an explanation… they’re kids. And my expectations may be a bit high at times. However, it shouldn’t be a daily battle that almost exactly mirrors the battle from the day before.

 

I have things that I need to come to terms with and it’s a work in progress. There’s always things I can do to better myself and these are the things I’ve chosen to work on at this point in my life. All I can do is ask for some understanding while I go through this adjustment and try to minimize stress in my life.