Amber

March 11, 2013. Six years. For six years now, I have carried around this guilt and regret that is downright overwhelming around this time of year. 20/20 vision shows me that most, if not all of it, was directly caused by me and there is absolutely not a damn thing I can do about it. I don't know why it's taken me this long, but I feel compelled to get this off my chest.

I've moved around a lot in my life. Moving into my current residence was my 15th time moving (not including a short stent in and out of hotels), and I've been here for just over 10 years. All those places, all those schools, and all those people... but only one Amber Henson.

Despite her rough upbringing to that point, she always had a positive outlook on everything which I believe to have been one of the best things that her mom-person, Marybeth, helped her with. We bonded over everything. I swear, she could have been my twin with the way we thought, the things we liked... all of it. We spent every waking moment together whether it was at school between classes / lunch, on the phone after school (yes, a phone with a cord so we were stuck in chairs the whole time), or sleepovers.

Enter high school and all the things that come along with it. Finding yourself. Finding your place. Peer pressure that you're not used to because you've always been so sure of yourself but not so much anymore. Body changes. Boys and all the extra complex that come along with them.

Amber was my anchor. Neither of us were really in a specific clique, I don't think. Both of us floated around from group to group and talked to a wide variety of people... people in the band, theater group, choir group, athletes, nerds (I was likely classified by other people into this category)… but it worked, for a while. Some strong friendships were made during this time... friendships I still have to this day. Some strong dislikes were made during this time... dislikes that... well, you know the drill. But no matter who else was in and out of our lives, Amber was the one constant. I could lean on her for anything and I hoped it was the same for her as well.

Fast forward a couple of months. Amber had been asked out by this guy. We'll leave him nameless on here, even though anyone who knew us during this time would know who he is. He wasn't the type she had previously been attracted to, but again, things were changing and maybe that was one of those. He was a senior - tall, shady blonde hair, baby blue eyes, and gothic, without the makeup. Black metal band shirts and black wide leg pants that covered his shoes entirely complete with the long chain that attached to a belt loop on one end and his wallet on the other. I don't remember how they met, but I remember that he told her he loved her, held her all the time, and she was infatuated.

I was jealous. At the time, I had been through a number of "boyfriends" with one being more serious, but in an on again, off again kind of thing. Nothing like what she had with him. They really seemed to have a great thing going on.

… Until they didn't. He broke it off for whatever reason and she was devastated.

You know that song from Taylor Swift - Fifteen? No? Here's some lyrics for you:

You take a deep breath
And you walk through the doors
It's the morning of your very first day
You say hi to your friends you ain't seen in awhile
Try and stay out of everybody's way

It's your freshman year
And you're gonna be here for the next four years
In this town
Hoping one of those senior boys
Will wink at you and say, "you know I haven't seen you around, before"

'Cause when you're fifteen,
Somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen

Feeling like there's nothing to figure out

Count to ten
Take it in
This is life before you know who you're gonna be
At fifteen

You sit in class next to a red-head named Abigail
And soon enough you're best friends
Laughing at the other girls
Who they think they're so cool
We'll be out of here as soon as we can

And then you're on your very first date
And he's got a car
And you're feeling like flying
And you're mama's waiting up
And you're thinking he's the one
And you're dancing around the room when the night ends
When the night ends

'Cause when you're fifteen,
Somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen

And your first kiss makes your head spin around

But in your life you'll do things
Greater than dating the boy on the football team
But I didn't know it at fifteen

When all you wanted
Was to be wanted
Wish you could go back
And tell yourself what you know now

Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine
And Abigail gave everything she had
To a boy who changed his mind
And we both cried

'Cause when you're fifteen,
Somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen

Don't forget to look before you fall

I've found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be
At fifteen

He didn't wink at me like in the song and I was 14 instead of 15, but Amber's ex turned his attention my way. She had started dating a different guy by that time so when he told me he "really liked me" and "let's see where this goes", I went to her to talk about it. She was visibly less than thrilled, but told me to go for it. This is decision number 1 that I partially regret because I went for it. Things with this boy went entirely too far, but we split once he got what he wanted and ended up with someone else. Partial regret #2. I hid how far it went with him from everyone because I was ashamed. I even hid it from Amber. Definite regret #3. I did well hiding it until he told someone who told someone else and so on and so on until it got to my parents. I imagine it got back to Amber, but to this day, I have no idea how. I wasn't able to talk to her about it because I was, you guessed it, grounded.

That weekend, I went to my dad's house for a visit and decided to move in with him while I was there. I can't regret that one at all. However, we broke the news to my mother and stepfather during pick up at our meeting spot. The decision was made, but per my stepfather and mother, I was not allowed back to the house. I could not go back to pack up my things. I could not go back to turn in my school supplies or any homework. I could not go back to say goodbye to my friends. At 14 years old, I did not fight harder for this and I should have. Definite regret #4. When I left for his house, it had only been for a visit so I only had enough with me for a weekend change of clothes. Back then, cell phones weren't a thing for everyone so I didn't have any of my friends' contact information with me. I essentially disappeared.

Fast forward again, about 10 years, to the land of MySpace. For those of you who don't know, MySpace was the beginning of social media as we know it today. You made a profile page, could customize it with different backgrounds, add music to play when someone clicked on your page, and you could list in order your top 8 friends (other numbers available also.... but thank everything for the randomization feature!) Anyway. I found her! I sent her a friend request (I think that's what they were called on there anyway) and waited. And waited. And waited some more. About a month went by and I sent another. Maybe she hit the wrong button, right? Wrong. She sent me a message after the second plainly stating that I had hurt her and not to contact her again. I sent a response trying to explain, but I'm pretty sure she blocked me by that point because it was never read.

Fast forward again to sometime in 2012... I can't remember exactly when. Facebook was all the rage then so I decided to take my chances and look her up again. You can imagine my level of excitement when it was accepted the following day. OMG!!! We took it slow... obviously things had changed so we needed time to repair what I damaged. We started out with some random comments on posts, some "likes" here and there, and finally messages. I launched into everything that led up to me leaving, the emotional roller coaster ride during that time, and apologized over and over and over again. She did the same and let me know how much it hurt her. She felt I was one more person on a list of many who had left her throughout her life. How do you fix that? I had no idea other than to continue taking our time to see what we would be able to become. One thing was sure... I needed to get there to visit so we could just be us. But... every time I went to Charleston, the timing was just... off. She was busy. I wasn't able to be in town for long. Could never really make it work. Definite regret #5.

March 11, 2013. My sister told me you had passed because she didn't want me to see it on Facebook. The flurry of emotions was unexplainable. The hurt. The disappointment in myself. The guilt. The regrets. The fact that this world had just lost one of its brightest personalities. A woman who cared for everyone. Who never met a stranger. Who fiercely loved every one around her.

If only 20/20 wasn't just a hindsight thing, I would have done so many things differently.

You are so loved. 

You are so missed.